Forgive them for they know not what they do.
Now they’re teaching the Bible in Arkansas public schools. Right off it sounds good, but when they actually read the Bible they’re in for a shock.
No one reads the Bible, they just believe stories they think are in the Bible.
The Bible ain’t what you think it is. It is just the opposite of what you think it is.
It is the last book that I’d let my kid read. In Arkansas thousands of kids will read it. When their parents see what they’re reading they will shout “My God!” and demand it be banned along with Catcher in the Rye and Huck Finn.
That little black book is not for the faint of heart. It’s full of X-rated stories, adultery, murder and even cannibalism, if you can believe that.
Jesus is about the only good thing in the whole Bible. Reading about his love and wisdom would be enough to get you into Heaven or at least be a good person, but outside of Jesus it’s mostly horror stories.
So what am I talking about? Let’s start with that juicy thriller of Lot, Lot’s wife and Sodom and Gammorah. You remember when they flee and God tells Lot’s wife to not turn around and, of course, she does and turns into a pillar of salt.
No one tells the rest of the story. Turns out Lot’s all alone without a wife, but has two daughters. There are no other men around, so at night in his tent his daughters get him drunk and each one gets together with dad and both end up pregnant.
How about the son of King David. He gets the hots for his half-sister, Tamar, and ravishes her one night against her will. Her big brother invites the son on a hunting trip and kills him. A wholesome Bible story, it will be on the 4th grade quiz.
You remember Jezebel, that fallen woman. The townspeople threw her out of a window and she has a real bad ending with a pack of mad, growling dogs.
Speaking of animal stories, a prophet is walking along a road and hecklers start bothering him. So he prays to God and two giant bears come out of the woods and gobble up the hecklers. Nothing left but their togas.
Remember that charming story of Daniel in the lion’s den? How he tamed the lions so they didn’t eat him? The next passage tells how his accusers, and their wives and children, get thrown to the lions. The lions suddenly remember they’re hungry so they have the men, women and children for lunch. Nice.
The debauchery and mayhem go on and on. When Moses goes up the mountain his followers have a drunken orgy. There’s a flood where everyone in the world drowns. The ending is a real heart-warmer, with fire-breathing dragons, skeletons on horseback chopping up everyone with swords, people thrown into a lake of fire. Not a light, beach read.
No wonder preachers wear black, people are dying through the whole book. Having kids read the Bible in school will corrupt them for sure.
Stick to reading Huck Finn and the Catcher in the Rye and you’ll be fine.
Dennis Gregory writes a bi-monthly column for West Hawaii Today and welcomes your comments at makewavess@yahoo.com